Saturday, February 4, 2012

Mojo Gone Missing

I signed on today with the intention of writing a cute little post about how I seem to have lost my mojo. Sad fact is, my mojo is so far gone I don't even know what to write. But I'm a writer (allegedly), so I shall blog my way through this slump somehow.

Previously, on Sweet Sassyfats, I've extolled to virtues of spinning. I've also extolled the virtues of working with a personal trainer who has pushed me to achieve levels of fitness I didn't know were possible for me. I've counted some blessings, and I've probably extolled some other crap that I don't have the energy to link to right now. Today I don't feel like extolling anything about nuthin'.

Since the beginning of the year, I seem to have been sick more than not. Nothing major, mostly just cold and allergy related stuff. But it's been enough to knock me off my stride. My energy keeps slipping downward, and my motivation to do anything spectacular is just plain gone. Don't feel like working out. Don't feel like eating healthy stuff. Don't feel like writing. I don't even feel like watching Ghost Adventures, for cripes sake. In short, I pretty much don't feel like doing anything that makes me furiously happy (A phrase I've unabashedly stolen from the one and only Blogess. [<-- That link is to a post that sums up just about everything I love about the Blogess. In fact, just go read her blog for awhile, I promise it's way more interesting than anything I have to say from here on out. I promise not to unleash my fury on you if you go. That would take way too much energy.])

If I had my druthers, I'd be curled in the fetal position watching Lifetime Movie Network and eating my weight in chocolate covered french fries each and every day. However, I live here in the real world, where I have a living to make and children to care for. So I must achieve a level of functioning that makes me appear to be a competent adult every day. So I push through the "I-don't-wannas" and go through the motions of my daily life and hope the facade holds up until the kids are in bed for the night. 'Tis exhausting.

I've gone enough rounds with depression to recognize the symptoms. I've also gone enough rounds to know that this bout will not last forever; I just need to keep pushing through it until I get to the other side. The thing about depression, though, is that it renders you incapable of doing the very things that will help you come out of it: Eating healthy foods, getting enough exercise, doing things you enjoy, etc. But that sneaky bastard sneaks up behind you and whispers in your ear, "Don't bother. Won't work. Not worth the effort. Oh, and by the way? Nobody cares." Bastard.

Those of you who have already dialed a 9 and a 1, can go ahead and put your phones down. I have a lonnnnnng way to go before I reach some of the depths I've seen before. In fact, sitting here writing - even though I don't feel like it - is already having a theraputic effect. And despite the fact that doing so sounds like a monumental task, I'm gonna call the doctor on Monday. (Yes, I'm on meds. No, you are not allowed to judge me for that. Yes, I'm going to link to the Blogess again.)

So maybe you're wondering why I'm exposing the inner workings of my broken psyche to the world - or at least to the three or four people who read this blog. And the truth is, I'm not really sure. I guess part of me feels like I'm not going to get over this slump until I step out of the darkness and into the light. Writing this post is my way of donning my silver ribbon and saying, Yep, I have depression and anxiety disorder. And you know what? I'm OK. Or at least I will be again. If I and others step forward and speak openly about this very real medical issue, then maybe others will realize they DON'T have to hide in the dark. They DON'T have to buy into the lies their illness tells them. There IS hope. And working to find that hope again is so worth the effort.


  1. I guess, the best thing I can say is....sometimes there will be days like this....sometimes, those days take on weeks....sometimes longer.

    I read a post from a blogger I follow and one of the best things she said was, to just do something. The good news is, you did do something. You posted a post about your situation.

    Sometimes, when your sick, the best thing to do is rest. Working out and pushing on can sometimes prolong the sickness making you feel more tired and worn out. So, do your self a favor and get some rest.

    I know resting feels like your not accomplishing your goal...but your body is healing and sometimes that's just what you need.

    When you feel better, take that trip to the gym and get on that treadmill and go for a nice stroll and then work your way back to where you want and get back in the grove.

    But give yourself credit for doing something. Posting something and letting out your feelings. That's half the battle.

    I always look forward to your don't send me away cuz I wont go....just encourage you to press on.

    Big hug! Feel Better, soon! And if you need a friend, I'm always here with an ear or and eye....Love you girl.

  2. I'm sorry you're down but you have to believe that this will pass. I had a pretty bad bout of it myself not that long ago and went into my isolation mode. As you know, that's a very dangerous place for me to be. So a couple of my girlfriends came over to the house and literally dragged me out. They listened to me, let me cry, let me feel sorry for myself, and then fixed me dinner. I guess my point is, that you need to get out of self no matter how hard it is . It really does work. I know you can do it because you proved it by writing this blog even though you did't want to. For that alone, I am so proud of you.

    Love you,
    Auntie K

  3. The last two weeks were like that for me. I was about to call the doctor for antidepressants (which I haven't used for about 5 years), but then I realized that I was just exhausted. I didn't stop working out, I just didn't work as hard. I also had shitty new shoes, so I finally got a new new pair (that I can't really afford). It's helped tremendously. Plus, I've gotten some rest and I'm done hating my family for giving me such a crappy birthday:) Hope yours clears up soon too. I know how hard depression can be. I was really close to a huge slump. It scared me. Thanks for sharing!


Go on, spill yer guts!