Tuesday, February 7, 2012

An Open Letter to Hold Music

Oh, hello there, Hold Music! My, what a jaunty little tune you are. I’ve been told that you were specially selected by marketing experts who decided that you would be the least offending sound to my ear as I sit here in customer service purgatory and wait for somebody – anybody – to pick up the daggone phone already.
I wonder what it was about you in particular that the marketing experts liked the most. Was it the whitebread-attempts-urban back beat? Or was it the synthesized instrument that tries so hard to emulate a piano? (Bless its digital little heart.) Was it the fact that you last for exactly 16 bars before you abruptly end and then loop back to the beginning? Or was it the relative ease with which they could produce you? Did they even need to use a full-sized Casio keyboard that day? I am sure the money they saved in the music-production process has been passed right along to me, their valued customer. I appreciate the hell out of that.   
Yep. She values me.
I have raised many questions here, but I would like to pay you a compliment: you fade nicely into the background whenever the robotic operator comes on the line to tell me that my call is very important to your company. I really do feel special, like that very personal recording was made just for me, and set to music that is catchy enough to be applied to any late-1980s job training video. You give that tireless robot girl the spotlight just long enough to let her soothe my frazzled nerves, then you crescendo back with full force so that I can imagine the Facts of Life girls learning how to behave properly in the work place. 
Mrs. Garrett would be so proud!
I would say I’ll miss you, Hold Music, when a real-live human being comes on the line. But I don’t have to say that. You and both know the truth, Hold Music. Don’t we? There is no real-live human being in that call center, is there? Just empty chairs… and empty promises. I suspected as much. But it’s OK, Hold Music; I don’t blame you. And I will not hang up just yet. You and your robot girl are here to keep me company. I will continue to listen to you, and continue to take your robot girl’s reassurances at face value, while I continue to hold out hope for customer assistance.  
Very Sincerely Yours,
Customer Number 138,454,547,548,939,075

I may be here awhile...

1 comment:

  1. HaHa. Maybe if they played some Pantera you'd be happy. I know I would!


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