Monday, July 2, 2012

When Inner Voices Collide

Anyone who has read this blog for awhile knows that I am on a quest to make my body and mind healthy and strong. As part of that quest, I’ve adopted the Health at Every Size mentality that says poor self-image isn’t healthy, and I’ma treat my body right whether it shrinks or not. As such, I stay away from scales because they are a great big honkin’ trigger object for me. Even though people ask me almost every day how much I’ve lost, I have not been tempted to find out. I just smile and tell people I avoid scales because they make me crazy.

Then I go to the doctor. I know people who refuse to let their doctors weigh them because of the psychological baggage that goes along with stepping on the scale. I’m not one of those people. I figure stepping on a doctor’s scale a few times a year isn’t going to throw me into a tailspin. Then again, what the frick do I know?

I went to the doctor a few days ago. Upon stepping on the scale, I learned that I am at the lowest weight I’ve been since my 6-yr-old even existed. I attempted to be nonchalant, all "whatevs" and whatnot, but I have to admit – was way closer to "WOO HOO" than "whatevs." I was so pleased with myself I even posted on Facebook about it. For a small chunk of the day I celebrated having a weigh-in that didn't make me want to cry.
But then I had a chance to think about it. Never one to miss an opportunity, that stupid little voice in my head (the one that sounds like Judge Judy) started to whisper: “You’re only 10 lbs down since February. You think that's something to celebrate? Loook at how much moooore you have to go. You know you’ll never get there. Why bother trying?”
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!! Weight loss is not the point, Judge Judy!! I’m on a quest for health and wellness, not skinny jeans!!! Besides, the human body is an amazing creation – even a BIG human body like mine is wonderful and beautiful because it exists and it functions and it gets me from A to B and it allows me to enjoy a full and satisfying life. It’s not about what the scale says!! It’s about health! It’s about fitness! It’s about strength and endurance!! And I’m doing excellent in all those categories!!! So just shut the hell up and leave me alone!!!
Her typical reaction whenever I give her lip
No matter how much I grow (spiritually and emotionally) and mature, no matter how much I pray, no matter how much therapy I’ve had or what meds I’m on, that voice of self-doubt never really goes away. On the bright side, she rests a lot more now than she used to. But she’s always there in the darkest recesses of my psyche, waiting for her chance to pounce. I’ve gotten a lot better at silencing her most times. But when something has resided inside your own head most of your life, it’s hard to make it go all the way away.
I have no great revelation, no pearls of wisdom to drop in this post. Just working through some stuff in the hopes I approach something that resembles a genuinely healthy self-image some day. I’m a work in progress – just like everyone else.

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